I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
