I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
