saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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