just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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