ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
