I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
