does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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