6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
