I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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