Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
