Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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