I can't watch pbs sober anymore
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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