You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The air was thick with penises
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize