how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
