Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
