Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
