We are two peas in an std pod
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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