I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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