Who wears a wallet chain?!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
