Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
