im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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