Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
