I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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