On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
