this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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