Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
