dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
we're chasing vodka with high fives
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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