We're facebook friends in real life
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
