Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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