I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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