I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
