allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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