I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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