I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
