Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
