So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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