my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
