Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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