didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
