My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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