You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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