they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
