If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
