U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
