so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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