just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
