I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
