hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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