I cannot find my penis.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
