Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
