I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
