i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
