Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
