my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
