i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
