Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
