I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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