u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
