I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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