I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
