HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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