Umm I'm too high to move.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
the liver wants what the liver wants
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
