I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
