So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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