I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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