i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
