I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i think my cat just said my name.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
