Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he shaved USA in his pubs
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
